Ashton Kutcher Confirms Two and a Half Men Gig, But Insists 'I Can't Replace Charlie Sheen'

CBS is officially confirming that Ashton Kutcher has finalized a deal to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men — a suggestion that was first proposed on this site three months ago.
Sure he was one of a half-dozen names we floated, but we still deserve props, dammit!
The Kutcher news comes two days after Deadline.com reported that Hugh Grant rejected a lucrative offer to join CBS’ No. 1 sitcom.
“I can’t wait to get to work with this ridiculously talented 2.5 team and I believe we can fill the stage with laughter that will echo in viewers’ homes,” said Kutcher in a statement. “I can’t replace Charlie Sheen but I’m going to work my ass off to entertain the hell out of people!”
“We are so lucky to have someone as talented, joyful and just plain remarkable as Ashton joining our family,” enthused Men creator Chuck Lorre. “Added to that is the deep sigh of relief knowing that our family stays together.  If I was any happier, it’d be illegal.”
This marks Kutcher’s first series gig since That ’70s Show went off the air in 2006. Details regarding his Men character have not been disclosed. Chances are CBS is holding that piece of news until upfront day on May 18.
No comment yet from Sheen’s camp.

A Week of Rants: Top 10 Charlie Sheen Quotes

It’s the day after the almighty Oscars Awards and everyone is talking about … Charlie Sheen?!? As the highest-paid actor on TV in history, he’s ignited a feud with the creator of his show by launching into a series of verbal tirades as production was shut down on Two and a Half Men.

While many are debating his sobriety — and sanity — according to Charlie, he’s made of win! In the wake of his show being pulled, he’s done a string of radio, TV and internet interviews that have gotten progressively more heated, even manic, resulting in some uproarious quotes from a man on a quite a roll.

Here are just some of the gems he’s released over the past week:

1. “I got magic and I’ve got poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time, and this includes naps. I’m an F-18, bro.”
2. “Clearly I have defeated this earthworm [show creator Chuck Lorrie] with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”
3. “I’m tired–I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t perfect and bitching and winning every second and I’m not perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every freakin’ turn.”
4. “You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me. Boom. That’s the whole movie. That’s life.”
5. “Winning!”
6. “I think people mistake my passion for anger.”
7. “Rock bottom; that’s a fishing term.”
8. “I am battle-tested bayonets, bro.”
9. “I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen.”
10. “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

TMZ reports that as a result of their interview with Charlie just this morning, his long-time publicist quit. He will also appear on tonight’s ABC News, which is likely to result in many more memorable quotes.

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